I often get asked about my self-confidence and love of myself. Like everyone, I have my bad days where all I see are flaws. I see the anxious-hot-mess-bad-crazy girl who can’t finish a project for the life of her. I see the girl with the big dreams and no way to reach them. The girl who can’t cook, can’t clean and spends time messing around on social media all day. I see the girl who has a journalism degree but no career in that path. I see the hangnailed, stretch marked, hairy armed, big hips, small butt, tangled hair four eyes.
Yeah, I just put a bunch of my flaws out there. Those are the things that plague me the most and you’re probably thinking “Well, that’s just silly. My flaws are much deeper and much worse.”
Let me stop you before you say those words. Because the second those words come out of your mouth and you share your flaws, I’m going to think the same thing.
You see, many of our flaws never seem as big to other people as they do to us. There are some big character flaws out there – namely, people who are murderous, vindictive and in the business of ruining lives.
You might think you’ve ruined someone’s life, but the odds are you haven’t. We are our own worst critics. We are the ones who stand in front of the mirror and nitpick. We are the ones who sit in the car and cry over the person we think we are. We’re the ones who have that voice in our head tearing us down.
Sometimes that voice is fueled by bullying and negativity in our lives. They always make that voice seem more believable. Instead, let’s build up the voice that’s trying to scream out, “Hey you! Yeah, you! You are amazing! You have flaws? So does the world! But the beauty lies in the imperfections!”
So to answer the questions about my self-confidence and self-love, here are my top 5 foolproof ways to love your flaws. I’ve spent countless hours thinking about this in the self-help section of Barnes and Nobles because it’s one of my favorite things to do.
Reflect on your flaws.
You can’t learn to love your flaws if you aren’t going to admit to yourself the flaws you think you have. Everyone has flaws. As I said, life is not without flaws, so tricking yourself into thinking you have none is only going to hurt yourself more.
I like to do this on a day that I’m feeling really down on myself. That may seem counter-intuitive – to think about all of the things you hate about yourself when you’re already feeling down. Now, if I was to be feeling depressed, anxious or suicidal, I would not do this activity. It’s just those days where I call up my best friend and I say, “Am I good crazy or bad crazy?”
Those are the days when I know I’m open to listen to myself and to grow from this negativity. The other days – the really bad days – those are the days where I won’t listen to anything besides that ugly anxious voice in my head telling me I’m never going to get through this. Those days are reserved for ice cream and cookie dough.
The reason I reflect on these is so I can connect my flaw to something positive.
List 5 Loves For Every Hate
My next step is to counter those flaws. So if I’m talking about appearance, I’m going to look at myself and find five parts of me that I love more than the parts that I hate.
Sometimes that can get tricky, especially if you’re really struggling with body image. So I’ll get really small. I’ll think, “I have fabulous eye brow shape.” or “My calves look really nice in high heels.”
I mean, it may seem silly but when you’re listing out the good things, you’re gonna start feeling more good things. The more you list the more you’re going to find, too!
Once I do that, I start to connect my flaws to a positive experience.
Create a Positive Experience
At this point, you might need to phone a friend. If you really can’t find a way to put a positive spin on your flaws, hash it out with a friend. My advice would be to go to Barnes and Nobles, grab a cuppa and sit in the self-help aisle. You don’t even need to pull out a book, just feel all that self-help love.
My biggest flaw is that I’m crazy. I mean, it isn’t always pretty up in here. Besides my anxiety, I just have some crazy ideas in my head. They’re not psychopathic or sociopathic, but they’re crazy and they can get pretty fierce.
That’s why I ask my best friend if I’m good crazy or bad crazy. I accepted that I’m crazy, which is really just how I describe myself, other people probably would maybe say I’m a lot to handle. Labeling my flaws as crazy is what worked for me, it might not work for everyone that way.
Accept Your Flaws
This is probably going to be the hardest and take the most amount of time. I have absolutely no advice on accepting your flaws, besides following the steps I’ve already mentioned. Accepting them is important. Accepting that there is this part of you that you don’t like is the important part.
Remember, what we view as a flaw may not actually be a flaw in the eyes of someone else. So accepting your flaws is important for you.
I like to repeat the mantra, “I am me: every part. The parts that I’ve always loved and the parts that I want to change. They make up who I am and I wouldn’t be this person without them.”
The best part about accepting your flaws is that you then become overwhelmed with ideas on how to make yourself a better person. When you’re not dwelling on the hate, your positive spirit is able to shine through and motivate you.
When I said that beauty lies in the imperfections, it’s because if we were perfect we wouldn’t be human. Human nature is to better yourself, to seek ways to be more true, more beautiful, etc. When you’re dealing with appearance flaws – again, these are what you think are flaws – I urge you to think of healthy ways to better yourself. If you have the mindset of “fixing” it, then you haven’t actually accepted your flaws.
I have a friend who was made fun of for her chin her whole life. Apparently, she “had no chin.” When she told me this, I couldn’t see it. I thought she had a cute chin that fit her face perfectly! She accepted she had “no chin” and eventually got a chin implant. She loves that chin implant and will talk about it / post pictures of it on Instagram and generally love it.
Yes, that was a cosmetic change to better herself. Before she made that change though – before she got plastic surgery – she accepted it.
This made her able to love the improvement. If you dislike your body and cosmetically change it without accepting your flaws, you’re going to continue getting plastic surgery, like Heidi from The Hills. It won’t be pretty.
If a flaw is something more internal, think of actions to reverse it. A big flaw of mine is that I don’t finish what I start. I have so many unfinished projects that I want to scream. I can better myself by setting real goals and getting an accountability partner.
Do you see how this only works if you accept who you are? Accepting who you are doesn’t mean settling. It gives you the ability to make a healthy change.
Take the Warrior Queen pledge. I’ll periodically send out messages and tasks to build your inner warrior queen and learn to love your flaws.
What are you waiting for?